for the hearts that worry instead of beat

 

I raise a trembling hand in

class, no sound comes out but

I attempt to ask dear random

teacher, can I please go to the

nurse?

no I am not done with my
reading and no I am not

bleeding, but my hands have

energy bolts that shoot

from the tips and I cannot

stop my words that talk with

two fast moving lips.

 

and I clenched my hands

60 through 64 times now and

its starting to hurt, so please

random teacher can I please go

to the nurse?

 

no she will not help at all, but

how can she help someone

when their problems a brain

with crumbling walls, a heavy

sigh and a heavier groan, her

sorry lips will ask if id like to

go home.

 

ill say no but make a person

know to remind myself it is my

fault I'm like this and I must

tough through the day on

my own.

 

step by careful step I feel

my hyped up energy diminish.

I feel like I have nothing left.

step by careful step I feel myself

getting slower, I feel myself

getting lower, the floor has

welcomed me yet again,

I'm it's most frequent guest.

 

I heard my heart beat through

the floor, I heard the slamming

of a door. I heard the violent song

of gravity begging me once more,

ill let it cradle me and all its gore,

ill let it cradle me until its heavy

arms are sore and as I lay, i'll

remember all the pieces I have

failed to put together.

 

have you ever had to check that

these hands were connected to

your shoulders because of how

much they shook, you weren't sure

if they were yours.

 

did you hide them under your

desk and hoped your classmates

wouldn't see hoping that they

wont notice that you cant breathe

but you can strain them under

sheets and hoping only your

pillow can hear an uneven

breathing as you wept.

because a leg that endlessly shakes
demands you stay awake worrying
about that homework you didn't
do because you're too terrified
that if you began to, that vibrating
numb will fill up like sand filling
up a body bag, make it's way through
your body and paralyze your
nervous hands.

pencils that weigh exactly 0.00567
kilograms suddenly are heavier than
the list my words demands.

have you ever told someone that
for far too often for no reason
at all, if you're far too close to the
end and they tell you breathe and
count back from 7. okay....

7, I'm sick of days of wondering
where's my sanity's been, 6, I'm sick of
being sick, 5, I'm tired of being
mocked by the lost of my waste of
time, 4, I'm done with jerking limbs
that leave my body sore, 3, I'm tired
of a heart that worries instead of beats,
2, I'm sick of having to explain this to
many but be understood by few, 1,
I'm constantly told what I am, what
I'm not, what I have, what I do not
by people who have not experienced
me and I am done...

don't tell me I can choose what thoughts
consume my mind and I just have to
choose to be positive, because I am
absolutely positive, you've never felt
so confined that war against the making
of the walls inside your mind and I am
sorry there is no evidence and I know
the cure is not to stuff my lungs with
medicine. but therapy isn't working
and I don't know why I have to prove
to you that I'm hurting!

I learned that the world doesn't pause so
you can get better, you just have to chill
out and get it together.

yet another day I raise a trembling hand
in class, no sound comes out but I attempt
to ask. dear random teacher if everyone
had anxiety how long do you think we'd
last? because I'm sure having a hard time,
and ill probably spend a while worrying
if this makes a proper last line.